this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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