Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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