i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
