I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
