It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
