the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
