I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
