All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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