the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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