I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
