went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Your cock deserves a montage
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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