My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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