I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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