dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
