new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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