It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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