so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
