Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
