so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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