i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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