there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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