Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
