Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
