The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
