so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
