I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
