No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
