I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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