If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
We got so high we made milksteak
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
