There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
