fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
