He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
