I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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