on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
