so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize