He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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