You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize