all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
if only i could text you this smell
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You need Xanax blowdarts
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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