apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
