I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
