You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
