Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
