Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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