My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
