You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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