I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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