apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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