dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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