Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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