You just made me feel so damn special
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
