the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
