Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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