I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize