the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
