woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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