Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
