Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
