So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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